I never thought I would write about this so publicly but I guess I just need to vent or reach out for people who are going/went trough the same issues as I am.
I am an only child, living with her mum who has depression but doesn’t want any help. I can’t do anything to make it better and every time I try to speak some sense to her, she experiences it as me pushing her even farther away. I don’t know where I can get help or who to talk to because I can’t grasp her mind. I try very hard to understand her perspective and to be compassionate but it’s negatively affecting me in the meantime. I don’t know if she has true friends and I don’t know if she is confidential to them. I’ve tried to think of people to contact and ask for help but I’m afraid it will only make things worse. She loves putting on a mask and I don’t know if she does that towards everyone. I believe she does. But I also know that she says crap about me to everyone, so nobody would even take me seriously, I’m guess.
She actually said to my face a few times that she just wishes to die anytime soon, so she is basically just awaiting her death. She doesn’t want to live anymore, I know that, we’ve all been there, it’s common, but I want her to talk to me about it, because there is nothing wrong about talking. But she keeps it to herself, basically self-destructing and contaminating everyone. Sometimes I provoke her, which is really bad of me, I know. But I need her to think about the meaning of life and the meaning of love and find her inner strength/purpose. But every time I make this mistake of saying what I truly want her to understand, I hurt her more. I’m sure I can’t express myself that well towards her, but she’s mostly not even listening because everything I say is just utter crap to her. And every time I say something that is controversial I fear she could do something as stupid as slitting her wrists in her room and I would stumble upon her cold corpse. She behaves like a teenager most of the time, I believe it’s because her brain is shrinking due to fear and the depression or maybe she just never has been an adult after all.
She blames me for so much unhappiness in her life. And that’s what she does, she blames everyone, everyone except herself. I know she can’t love anyone if you can’t even love yourself first and I try to tell her that. But she keeps ignoring the hard facts and keeps “living” as a negative person spreading out negativity all around. I can’t bring people over to my house because of her illness (which isn’t even the whole picture). She just kills time.
It took me a long time to build a shell of protection for myself and I am getting better at eliminating her negativity upon me. but every time I try to come closer to her, try to discuss and try to explain life to her, I hurt us both contaminating. I think we are beyond damaged and I always kept hope of getting better and maybe be healthy and happy together one day, but I’ve come to believe it won’t go away. Maybe it’s come too far to be helped after all. Yesterday in a moment of despair I actually googled how to help someone with depression and after reading some tips I decided to write a card and leave it to her, I wrote:
I am here for you
you can trust me
you can always talk to me
We haven’t talked yet. And things are just awkwardly painful all the time. I don’t know how things will progress, I live day by day an in the meanwhile I try to be a better person every day. But I’m afraid I’ve lost her to insanity. Sometimes I feel very sorry for myself, but then again it is nothing compared to what she is experiencing and I am sure she feels the guilt as well. I am ready to forgive and I am ready to start over, always, I don’t know if she is.
Thank you for listening/reading. I appreciate it very much. x